I realize that Muppet fans are very divided on this special, but I, for one, enjoy it greatly. And I am the authority on my own blog, so let's get to it.
This special takes its primary plot from It's a Wonderful Life, but it gets a kick out of paying homage to other Christmas classics. It begins with a snowman narrator, who is quickly rushed off set and correctly called out as a "Burl Ives wannabe." Hee.
Next up is a marathon of Gift of the Magi exchanges, culminating in one non-exchange. Trust me, it's funny.
Kermit enters, sad and depressed, though we don't know why yet (okay, you do if you've seen it before). He then wanders off into the snow and sits on a bench (passing a young frog with his tongue stuck to a pole on the way).
Fade out to a large white office building that's actually Heaven, though it never identifies itself as such. David Arquette is upset because Kermit's upset. He turns to William H. Macy for help, but William H. Macy doesn't care. So David Arquette decides to take Kermit's case to the boss. The boss, we soon learn, is God (though never called that) played by Whoopi Goldberg. My second favorite casting of God ever, after Alanis Morissette. Whoopi/God's office is a huge garden with a couch and a large screen TV in it. David Arquette tells Whoopi/God it's about Kermit the Frog, and she says, "Listen, I don't worry about him. He always does the right thing." That's Kermit, all right. With a little bit of pleading, Whoopi/God agrees to take a look. Rewind on God's big screen TV.
The Muppets are getting ready for their big Christmas Eve show. In the Muppet Theatre, and I freaking love that they use the Muppet Theatre (from The Muppet Show) as an important plot point. Because this special involves the theatre, Scooter was brought out of retirement. Although he doesn't quite sound like himself.
Rizzo the Rat hurts his nose. It's red and glowing. Yeah yeah yeah. Pepe the prawn is running off to party with Ricky Martin. Kermit says something about being broke, and then Joan Cusack walks in to be the villainess of this special. Her husband owned the bank that the theatre is leased under (I think that's how it goes). Her husband has died, and in inheriting his estate, the Muppets now owe her some money, and even though her husband was willing to extend the contract to allow them to pull in some money from a full week of shows, she wants the money by the 24th, which only leaves them time for one show.
Pepe immediately runs off with Joan Cusack, because he wants to work for money instead of working for a dream as Kermit would have him do.
God gets some coffee from a coffee shrub, because "When you write the rules of the universe, you know where all the loopholes are." Also, She likes Spongebob. Ew.
The Muppets need a miracle, but just when they think they might have one, it's just Janice tuning up her harp. Hee. Piggy is heading for the hills too, because Kermit's too broke to pay anyone. Meanwhile, Joanna Cusack is an amoral bitch who is altering the contract so that the Muppets owe her money even sooner.
Fozzie suggests that the show might need some star power, so Kermit gets on the phone with his famous friends, but none of them are available. Also, Kermit broke Molly Shannon's heart by not appreciating her efforts to rearrange her closets. The other Muppets persuade him to find Miss Piggy and do some serious grovelling. And where does he find her? Sacred Heart Hospital. SQUEE!!! She is playing a corpse, surrounded by Zach Braff, Sarah Chalke, and John C. McGinley. But Miss Piggy isn't satisfied playing corpses, so she springs to life and proposes that her character become a nurse with attitude. Judy Reyes puts the fear of God into her. The janitor growls at her. Hee. Just as Kermit shows up to beg and plead, she gets fired. Good timing.
Joan Cusack plans to turn the theatre into a trendy nightclub so she can "sell overpriced tickets to tattooed and pierced ravemonkeys."
The Muppets have sold enough tickets. This would be a victory if the special were anywhere near over!
Moulin Rouge parody! Because this is the Muppets and you can randomly insert a parody into a storyline, Also, because they're doing a show. It includes Robin as the Absinthe Faerie which makes me so unbelievably happy. It's a GREEN. MUPPET. FAERIE. Those are three of my favorite things!
Fozzie is trying to rush the money to the bank. Apropos of nothing, he runs into a Steve Irwin parody who tries to shoot him with a tranquilizer dart, but gets the snowman narrator instead. Fozzie gets painted green, falls down right next to a Salvation Army bell ringer, and then is accused by some terribly misplaced and oversized Whos of being the grinch. But he manages to get un-green just in time to redirect them. But, he's still too late, even with some serious ninja moves, because his bag got switched with the one belonging to the Salvation Army, which contains nothing but stuffing.
Back at the party, Scooter has a lampshade on his head and is bragging that his uncle used to own the theatre. Snerk.
Kermit has gone to confront Joan Cusack directly, and ask her why she's doing this. She's all, duh, I'm the bad guy. "You can't eat a dream! You can't sell watered-down drinks from a dream! You can't be the Queen of a Polynesian tribe in a dream! Oh, wait, yes, you can. Forget that last one." Joan Cusack hates dreams and wants to see them die.
Back in God's office. God is not pleased. She decides to send David Arquette down to dole out some justice. So down he goes, feeling unprepared for the mission, but emotionally invested. Kermit is not amused, and snaps at him. Also accuses him of running a Muppet fan website. I remember when this aired, actual Muppet fan website administrators were both amused at the shoutout and vaguely worried that Kermit didn't like them. Kermit then declares, "I wish I'd never been born!" which terrifies David Arquette, leading to a full-scale Kermit spaz attack of flailing and repeatedly shouting how he wishes he'd never been born. I laugh like a lunatic. Kermit is so funny when he freaks out. David Arquette knows what he has to do-- it's in the handbook. He transports Kermit to the world in which he was never born.
In this Universe:
-the park is a mall
-Doc Hopper's is a successful chain (LOVE the continuity)
-The theatre is Club Dot
Fates of the Muppets in this Universe:
-Gonzo: homeless and trying to do some sort of performance art for money
-Rizzo: on Fear Factor, to which Kermit cries, "How can NBC live with themselves?"
-Electric Mayhem: riverdancers in an Irish restaurant
-Dr. Bunsen Honeydew: bouncer at Dot
-Sam the Eagle: mindlessly waving glowsticks(probably on ecstasy)
-Scooter: cage dancer with glazed eyes (TERRIFYING)
-Robin: working in Dot
-Beaker: bouncer on steroids
-Fozzie: also homeless, and steals Kermit's wallet
-Miss Piggy: crazy cat lady and faux psychic living in a crappy apartment
The scene with Miss Piggy is one of the saddest scenes ever on film. It kills me. But, at least she can still karate chop. She throws Kermit out of her apartment (quite literally), and then we hear her sobs. OH GOD IT KILLS ME. I'M DEAD.
Now for a song from Homeless Gonzo... the only original song this special offers... a song that starts out sad and vaguely poetic, then becomes pretty cheesy, because they insist on repeating the line "Everyone matters" over and over, like they don't trust the viewers to infer the moral of the story.
Anywho. David Arquette spits in Kermit's eye and he's back in his old life, squealing and flailing about and physically jumping on Miss Piggy to give her a big kiss. He's trying to explain to everyone "what really matters" when Joan Cusack bursts into the theater to kick them all out. Miss Piggy is all, "This little piggy is going to kick your skinny banking butt!!!" because she is awesome. Martial arts fight sequence. Kermit breaks it up to say "She'll never take the Muppet Theatre in our hearts!" and Joan Cusack is like, WTF? "I don't want the theatre in your hearts! I want the theatre that exists in reality!"
Suddenly, Pepe has the deus ex machina to save the day! The Muppet Theatre is actually a historical landmark and can not be changed! So Joan Cusack walks off in a huff, and the Muppets are at peace.
And to wrap things up, everything worked out-- without some big miracle to save the theatre.
Visuals: 4 out of 5
Spirit: 4 out of 5
Nostalgia: 2 out of 5
Humor: 4 out of 5
Music: 1 out of 5
Overall: 3.5 out of 5
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